Waking up in the morning with a happy face on my face is always a mistake because i know sooner or later my day are going to be horrible. Like i say it is a mistake but i want to wake up in the morning with a happy face but i just don't want to risk it again.

So just now in the morning, brother was super happy that i got in shatec and i was happy that he is happy. I got up and had a shower and the time that i woke up is at 9.30am. It is consider too early because when it is holiday my early time to wake up is at 11am. I woke up and asked mum about the shatec school fees and she asked me, how do we pay it. I told her many many times, we can pay by cheque and obviously by cheque and not cash. Who in hell pay school fees $3000+ by cash. Dad and brother was talking about car. Dad plans to change his car next year or 2 year from now. I was taking a bread and spread some kaya on and i went up to watch heroes with second sis.

I got upstairs and i decided to watch the 7th cd of heroes downstair because i've already watch what sis is watching. Mum was cleaning the kitchen and dad was - i don't really know where he went. So i was totally excited to know the end of the season1 heroes and when it is finish, i watch the season2. I was watch happily and brother was yelling at me, asking me where is the family 2008 finance paper. I told him i didn't even touch the paper and i don't really know where. I got slam the door from brother. Ended up mum took the paper. So i got yelled for nothing.

So i keep on continue watching heroes. Mum was preparing to go to kovan to make the cheque and i told mum before that, my fees is $3,494.00 but i know she forgot again. I went up and check and all of a sudden dad was yelling at me to check the cost of it. I was shock seriously, you know dad's yelled is the loudest and i hate to get shock. So i yelled at dad back that i was checking it. Dad yelled at me asking me "why didn't i call shatec?" i told him what for when i already had the paper that shows my school fees. Dad was yelling and i don't really understand what is he yelling about. I know mum likes me being yelled by dad because i don't always listen to mum.

Sometimes, i keep asking myself, am i a adopted child? but i know i am not. I know mum likes brother so much because he always talk to my mum, asking mum is she okie etc. etc. I know mum and dad likes big sis because she the genuies among the 4 of us. She clever and pretty. I know mum likes second sis because she is the most independent one. She always find out all by herself. Im only good for one thing, rotting at home for the whole day. When dad was yelling i heard one of the part he yelled about getting a job. I wanted to yell back at him and told him that im having a hard time finding one. Second sis told me too that this year is very hard to find a job and i bet she know how frustrating i am finding a job.

Sometimes i don't understand my parents, they always make me like im the useless freak ! But i know it is not my luck. I know im not prefect, i know im not that smart as big sis, i know i need someone to guide me, i know im a little useless, i know im lazy, i know am too pampered, i know i rot at home too much, I know that my parents loves me but sometimes i don't feel that they love me as much as the rest, i know i always spoil people day, i know i want people to listen to me and no one else, i know im too much, i just know it. Although i change, i will change back to the normal who i am.

I feel like im not worth it living but allah is just testing me and asked me to wake up ! I was crying all along without anyone noticing me. I climb up to sis bed and slept there. I was too angry at dad, mum and brother but between mum,dad,brother and 2 sis, i love my brother so much. I love him more then i love my parents. I know that my brother will always supports on whatever i want to be. I told him before i want to open up a cafe and he say "you can, you surely can!" When i told my mum, she say "you want to open a cafe? talk about that when you had the money!" When i told big sis, she say "you can meh?" when i told second sis, she say "don't talk about opening a shop, you didn't even have a job now." I didn't want to tell dad because i know what he will going to say.

I don't want to be a spoil brat. Day by day i hated my life so much i even want to jump out from my bedroom window but i know it is a sin for a muslim people. I just can't help it. My eyes too swollen to cry again.

bye.